My head is a mess. Why did you reappear, I was so happy without you in my life. I didn’t think like that anymore, I didn’t have to be good for your standards, I didn’t have to try, I didn’t have to worry. Now you’re back, reminding me of everything that’s wrong. I don’t think I have the guts to face you, and I don’t want to. Mostly because I told you things, thinking you were a good person and a good friend, and now what am I left with?
Which brings me to my next point, I feel like a mess because I feel manipulated. I know I’m not a good person, but somehow I still feel so taken advantage of. You said you weren’t gong to guilt trip me, so why did I feel so guilty? And right after I agree, you simply smile and leave. What about all those reasons I gave you before? Don’t they matter to you? Because your reasons for wanting me to go mattered to me, that’s why I agreed.
I realised how accusatory this post is, but I am just so exhausted of people and I just want to crawl into a ball and forget time or anything exists. But I can’t.
I promised myself and someone else that if I agreed to this I wouldn’t complain, so this is my last post on this matter, at least until after the trip, unless something happens in-between.